Monday, July 2, 2012

Updates and Decisions

I started this blog in an effort to be completely honest with myself about where my pitfalls arrive in the realm of my homelife and personal life.  The last few months have been full of decisions, heartache, overwhelming joy/relief, and lessons. 

My sister married on June 16 and it was a big headache but we pulled it off smoothly.  The weather was perfect for an outside wedding, the music was awesome, and she looked gorgeous.

Mid-May held the planning flurry of the wedding shower that I hosted for my sister and her fiance.  (All during finals, I might add.)

May also proved to me that I was, in fact, smart enough to continue making a 4.0 GPA in my college classes AND work full-time AND be a wife AND a mother to my precious fur-babies.  That being said...

In the month of June, I made a huge decision.  I quit school.  Honestly, it was just too much for me at the time.  I was letting my drive to make good grades interfere with other things that I consider to be very precious to me.  I let my housework, my blog (which actually motivates me to keep my house clean), and my loved ones slip...all in an effort to stay near the top of my classes in grades.

I was commuting over 12 hours a week, between school, work, and home/errands.  I was exhausted.  I saw a rift in my marriage start and I realized that at the end of two years (when I would be graduating college), I may not have a husband to celebrate my college degree with.  And what good is a college degree if I can't share it with the person who means most to me?  A marriage needs love, yes, but it also needs time for the husband and wife to be just that.  A husband and wife.  Frank and I needed time to be together and enjoy one another's prescence.  And with all the hats I was wearing, my "Nurse" hat and my "Student" hat were getting the most wear.  But, my "Wife" hat was getting awfully dusty.  Not to mention my "Daughter" hat, "Sister" hat, "Granddaughter" hat....

My decision to quit school is one that many people do not understand.  I keep receiving well-meaning words of advice that, frankly, I just don't care about.  Yes, I know that I am still young enough to return to school in the future.  (But, I doubt that it will happen.)  Yes, I know that at the end of two years, I will look back and think, "I could have been done by now."  But, what would I sacrifice to be able to call myself a RN?  Furthermore, I am no less of an intelligent person or a good nurse just because I am "just a LPN."  I know what is important to me and I know that I made the best decision for my family and I.

So, back to my first sentence in the blog post:

"I started this blog in an effort to be completely honest with myself about where my pitfalls arrive in the realm of my homelife and personal life."

The very definition of clutter is:  "A confused or disordered state or collection; a jumble."  That is exactly what I felt my life was turning into these last four months...a confused and disordered state.  Sure, most people would say that "clutter" is just tangible things that are lying about in no particular order.  But, I disagree.  I think that anything that doesn't make you a better person or doesn't enrich your life is clutter.  Sure, a college degree would enrich my life.  But, at what expense?

Clutter can be anything.
  • The purse that you spent way too much money on that doesn't really meet your needs, yet you can't sell it in a yard sale for $5 because it cost you $50...and that's just not a good return on your money.
  • A crocheted throw that was made for you and your husband but is not, shall we say, your style.  At all.  Yet you feel obligated to keep it because someone close to you made it.
  • Your college education that is "expected" of you to complete, but you are afraid of the ultimate costs to your personal life if you continue.
The decision I made to quit school was a very difficult one for me.  I felt like I was letting everyone down by not continuing.  My brain was telling me something like this: 

"Heather, just keep pushing.  You have too much riding on this.  People expect more from you.  Don't let people down.  You made a B on that test?  What the hell is wrong with you?  You can do better than that!  Next time, don't sleep those two extra hours and study more.  Sleep is for sissies.  Weakness is for sissies.  Just keep pushing.  Push.  Push.  Push."

Now, who was I letting down?  All those people who should have my best interests at heart...or me?  Why did I feel like I had to keep juggling all my hats when I was so clearly unhappy.  And, what was this doing to my self-esteem?

I discussed my feelings with Frank and he told me that he supported any decision that I made.  By that point I knew my decision had already been made.  I was tossing my "Student" hat in the yard sale bin...along with my overpriced purse and that scratchy crocheted throw.

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